I Resolve

I've been struggling more than usual the last few weeks. Actually, I've been out of sorts since summer ended. I know there is something I need to do that I'm not.
That in itself is nothing new. I'm a bit of a slacker. I've never had aspirations of grandeur, it has only mattered that I be happy and with the people I love. That has always been enough.

But I don't feel like I am the best mother/ wife/ friend right now.  And I don't understand why. If I want everyone around me to be happy, and I know what they need to become so, what is stopping me from doing whatever I can to I give it to them?

I'm the mom of a child with autism spectrum disorder, sensory processing disorder and severe anxiety. I know he needs structure. I know he needs routines. I know he needs his areas to be free of clutter and easy to navigate. I know he doesn't like surprises. Yet I can't get my act together enough to give him what he needs. In his own home.

My other child has some very similar and sometimes slightly more confusing needs. I'm still trying to figure out how best to help him navigate the world, and it is incredibly upsetting to see him get so frustrated - at both himself and the world around him.

I want to get out of this rut. To be healthy and energetic. To be productive during the day so I can spend quality time with the kids when they are home. Instead I wander around the house overwhelmed all day and then look at the clock, realizing that I got nothing done.

Another day wasted when I could have accomplished something to make our lives better.

Then all of a sudden the boys get home and the day is full of transition difficulties and homework struggles and "why doesn't he have as much homework as me" and "I don't want that for dinner" and "why did he get more time to play" and I seriously think my brain is going to explode so I get a glass of wine so much earlier than I planned and I drink it much more quickly than I should because it is only 5 o'clock and Tony won't be home until at least 7.

See how exhausting that is to read? There should be pauses. periods. At least a comma to allow a deep breath and gathering of thoughts that make sense.

That is how I feel a lot of the time. No commas.

My family needs me to make some changes. I know that. James made everything crystal clear yesterday when he tried to get a cookie out of the jar on the counter and knocked things over that were stacked in front of it, because I didn't clean the kitchen as planned.

He lost it. "Why is there so much stuff? There isn't supposed to be stuff in front of the jar! I can't do it like this. You are supposed to move the stuff!"

And he was right.

I know it is just a cookie, so it might sound a bit ridiculous if you don't live in the world of autism and SPD and anxiety. But it isn't at all ridiculous in my world. It is what he needs in order to help him get through a day that is filled with uncertainty and surprises. If I know he needs a smooth transition after a difficult day of holding it together, and all I need to do is clear a path to the cookie jar and I don't do it, then that is a pretty big fail.

So here is my resolution for this year. I have no idea if it will work or if I'll even stick with it, since I've blown off every other one I've ever made in my life. But this one isn't for me. It is for my family.

I'll try, one bit at a time, to get things organized. To get my mind organized.

Clear the clutter. In my house, but more importantly, in my head.

I'm going to try to write about what I'm going through, since that seems to help me organize my thoughts. I'll try to explain how things got this way and where I want to be.

And then I'll try to get there.

Taking Back September

I love September. The weather is perfect, the smells invoke memories for me of crisp, cool nights playing soccer under the lights, going to football games and hanging out with friends. All the time in the world.

New school year, new opportunities. Pure magic.

Until this year. I started out not being able to get the 10th anniversary of 9/11 out of my head, and now I can't seem to get into a groove.  Back to school month is always a bit chaotic (especially since James has been in 4 schools in the past 5 years) but this year, it has been unbearable, and I haven't wanted to deal with any of it.

Meetings are double booked. Homework trauma started on the first day of school. Both boys started crying about the work and the schedule by day 2. Buses come to different stops at the same time, if they show up at all. I have to drive to Johnny's stop (in my own neighborhood) just so I can get back home for James. The other day it was 2 hours late, and I spent my time switching between transportation police trying to track it down and trying to find a neighbor to get James off his own bus.

All the while, I've been running in circles, accomplishing nothing and getting more frazzled by the moment.

I'm coming undone. I've started obsessing about my younger one's emotional development and behavior, looking for signs that probably are only in my own head.  Tony does his best to salvage the evening when he gets home from work after a long day, but he has 2 hours to read with the boys, eat dinner and try to unwind before he has to get on a conference call.

I know how easy I have it -  I have friends who work demanding full time jobs, then go home to their children, many of whom have severe special needs. These moms juggle more in the few "free" hours at night, or in the morning, than I do during an entire day. One friend does 3 complete loads of laundry (including ironing) before I even get up. Another friend has had 2 meetings a night all week, is triple booked for tomorrow night, and will wake up Friday morning and drive 7 hours to spend a few hours with her grandmother on her 102nd birthday, then jump back in the car to be home Saturday for more meetings and her son's birthday party. Still another has her husband come home from teaching to take care of 5 while she works all night as an EMT for the city.  She comes home and gets one hour sleep before her son wakes her up - and then everyone gets up, and who can possibly get any sleep at that point?  It's a complete loss.

We're all unraveled. September owns us.

Today I took it back. Running around frazzled and tired, I stopped and looked at James, sniffling and sneezing, eyes watery and droopy, but going along with the morning routine. I realized that he needed to stay home from school.

My first reaction was no way. Not today. I'm co- hosting an event tomorrow night to introduce friends to two city councilors I strongly support, and I want it to be fantastic. There is too much to do. He just has a cold, he can handle school. Then I thought about it and realized he was going to get worse if he didn't rest.  We both were, and this was our chance.

We played games all morning and went to Friendly's (his favorite). We walked to Johnny's bus stop and took the long way home, not worrying about having to be somewhere else at the same time.

We didn't do anything special, but we took the day back. And in doing that, I feel like I got September back, for both of us. At least until 6:45 am.

Help Him

Today was James' first day of school.  I knew he would be anxious, so I tried to make everything as low key as I could, but it was a day filled with trials.

The rain was pounding, and his bus never showed.  Driving to school he started melting down. 

His clothes were uncomfortable. his feet were wet. His throat hurt. He was too tired. It was going to take too long to get to school.  He was going to be late, so he shouldn't go at all.  He was about to throw up.

I managed to get him in the door and he was whisked away to class.  I went back out in the rain, hoping that things would turn for the better.

And I waited.

When his bus didn't arrive home on time, I waited.  And paced.  When it finally got to our house 35 minutes late, I asked if it had left school late.  No?  I tried not to sound surprised, like I thought an hour and a half was a normal length of time for a bus ride home.

I let him play on my iPad, trying to make sure he was relaxed before starting his work.  Homework is always a struggle for us, and causes meltdowns daily. We've learned to handle it by taking a lot of sensory breaks for him to run laps and re-organize.

I took a look at the homework sheet -- it was a list of 10 basic questions to let his new teacher get to know him better.  phew.  We would ease our way into the year.

Little did I realize the firestorm that was brewing inside him.  At the 1st question, he began to tear up.  By the third question, he was screaming and crying uncontrollably.  He screamed "I QUIT" repeatedly at the top of his lungs and took swings at the air, trying desperately to take his frustration out on something.  On anything.

I'm used to the tears, but the anger and outbursts are new this summer.  We took a break and talked about the questions, about how he could answer them.  I agreed to help him with ideas and spelling, if he would pick an answer from the ideas and choose the words himself. 

We made it through a few questions at a time, each one adding more fuel to his internal fire.  By the time we got to the 10th question, we were both a complete mess, although I was trying my best not to show it. 

The 10th question is the only one he answered on his own.