The Fear

"Mommy, I don't want you to die before me".

Tears are streaming down his face. He is unable to look at me. He is almost unable to talk, the words are coming out in choked up tears and from behind his hands.

"I want us all to die together. I don't want you to leave me.

I don't ever want to go on an airplane. I might fall out."

He is starting to hyperventilate.

"What if we go off a bridge in our car?  What if there is a driver coming towards us? A bad driver. And he pushes us off the bridge and you can't get me."

He has buried himself in my chest. I can feel his heart pounding.

"What if there is a fire in our house? In my room and you die trying to get to me?"

The words start coming even more furiously, more urgently. 

"What if a robber comes and kidnaps me? What if he looks like you and I don't know he is a stranger?"

I try to reassure him without letting him hear the fear in my own voice. I tell him he will be safe, forever. That I will keep him safe. I make up a special phrase that only he, his brother and I know. I tell him he can ask me to say it anytime and know that I am his real mother. I have to tell him I will not die before him, that we will all go to Heaven together. All of us. Even Chewie and Owen. He does not understand any other alternative. His mind cannot process the thought of being here in this world without me.

The Fear comes out of nowhere. But it always comes, and I don't know who is more impaired by it each time, him or me.

I sit here now, John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" playing in the background. The song we played at his Christening. The song I sang to him as I put him to bed each night as a baby. The lyrics I know by heart and make me smile to think of him every time I hear it.

I turn my back to them so they can't see my tears. I am so grateful his friend showed up when he did to distract us both. He is smiling now, but his eyes are still bright red.

I feel sick to my stomach. I know my words did nothing to reassure either one of us.

This distraction will be fleeting. The Fear will be back. And although I can protect my son from strangers, bad drivers and fires, I know that I cannot protect him from his own anxiety.

That is my own biggest fear.

CVS Caremark AKC Pats Day Part 2: Post Game Analysis

editor's note: if you haven't yet read Pre-Game Planning, this will make a lot more sense if you click the link and read the background (at least I hope it will...)  

As any good manager knows, it is often necessary to make adjustments as the game approaches. 

he was ready to go at 6 am!  (We didn't leave until noon

so he had time to take his pajama pants off...)

I knew the amazing crew at CVS Caremark All Kids Can got James a t-shirt, but I wanted him to feel like he was a Patriot before he even left the house. I was thinking Wes Welker, but the football jersey gods had other ideas, so James was sporting an equally fantastic looking Danny Woodhead jersey for his arrival at the stadium. Luca, his close friend and the clear leader of the two, was appropriately wearing #12.

The climate change gods threw another wrench in the game plan and decided a Nor'easter would make the day more interesting, so All Kids Can Patriots Day was moved to the practice fieldhouse. Not the jaw dropping stadium experience I was hoping for, but probably a good move since 5 minutes after we arrived the skies opened up.

The boys were thrilled to walk into the fieldhouse and directly through the enormous, totally cool inflatable Patriots helmet. Once on the field, they were ready to play some football (or in James' case, some sort of hybrid football/ soccer/ rugby/ handball sort of game).

Coaches Patrick "Triple P" Pass (as dubbed by one of the kids), Max Lane and Jon Williams could not have been more amazing. They were funny, patient, engaging and encouraging, and that was just with us parents. With the kids they were extraordinary!

Role Reversal

As manager, you always hope your players are mentally prepared for the game, but sometimes they need a little extra motivation.  After stretching with the coaches, Luca wasn't thrilled with the drills and preferred to break off and start his own game, pulling his little shadow with him. Luca's mom and I knew we need to adjust the game plan a bit so we offered our players a little bribe incentive to stick with the team and give 100%.

Then I saw something amazing happen. My little follower, who has NEVER gone against Luca's game plan, started dragging, yes, physically DRAGGING, his friend back to the rest of the team. We watched as roles were reversed for the first time in their 3 year friendship, and I was thrilled to see my son exude the confidence needed to lead by example for the first time ever. It carried over onto the field.

James tackled the Tackle!

Luca settled more easily into the routine of the drills, and the boys had fun, but then something set James off.  It was the arrival of the Nutcracker Pat Patriot, who must have sensed that the misnomer came from Luca, because while Luca's mom and I were in hysterics laughing about it, Pat Patriot snuck up behind Sheri and scared her silly. Luca saw his mom in distress and tried to take down Pat Patriot, and James cowered behind a coach, far away from all the action.

Luca and his beloved Nutcracker

It didn't take long for Luca and Pat Patriot to become friends, and the two palled around for the rest of the session. James, however, was on edge whenever he came near, but the volunteers, coaches and cheerleaders tried their best to engage him (extra special thanks to Sarah, a Patriots cheerleader with a heart of gold, for coming over and kneeling down to talk to James, trying to make him feel better).

Lunch might have been one of James' favorite parts of the day, but Luca was more interested in the autographs. When it was our turn to get autographs from the players and cheerleaders, Luca sauntered over to the cheerleaders' table and said "Hey ladies, who would like my autograph?" Athena graciously agreed, and Luca gave her a poster of the cheerleaders, inscribed "To Athena, From Luca".  Seriously, how can you not love this kid? The boys scored autographs from everyone, plus extras from the cheerleaders (just in case Dad wanted one).

Although James preferred to sit on the sidelines a little, he had a fantastic time, and when it was time to go, we got a chorus of "It's over already?  But we don't want to go", as well as some tired sounding "That was the best day ever, wasn't it" from Woodhead and Brady in the backseat on the way home as they investigated the contents of the backpacks they were given and ate the french fries they worked so hard to earn.

A huge thank you to CVS Caremark All Kids Can and The New England Patriots for such an amazing day. We are lucky as a community that you not only believe all kids can, but that you donate your time, money, resources and most of all, your undivided attention to our children so that they can believe it also.

Thank you Patriots (do you notice that the coaches are all blocking Pat Patriot from James?;)

ALL KIDS CAN!

CVS Caremark AKC Pats Day part 1. Pre-Game planning

James and I have an incredible opportunity tomorrow, all thanks to a friend I met through writing this blog and some people we're going to meet tomorrow. People who believe in creating amazing opportunities for kids and work really hard to make them happen.

Tomorrow we are invited to participate in the CVS Caremark All Kids Can Patriots Day at my old stomping grounds, Gillette Stadium. I haven't been back there since I was a consultant for the Patriots in '04. We won the Superbowl, James was only 1 and Tony and I had no idea what autism really meant.

It is going to be a really special day, for both of us. Check out what they have planned:

The stadium will be transformed into a “gridiron of dreams” for children with varying disabilities who will spend the afternoon with former New England Patriots players gaining first-hand experience of what it’s like to be a Patriot for the day!

The kids actually get to run out onto the field through the oversized Patriots inflatable helmet. How cool is that?  Then they get to do warm-ups and stretches, cone running drills, and blocking, kicking and throwing skills.  When they are all tired out, we'll enjoy lunch together, and then get autographs and take photos with alumni, and, of course, the day wouldn't be complete without meeting the mascot of the New England Patriots – Pat Patriot, and then visiting The Hall at Patriot Place presented by Raytheon.

I'll be taking tons of pictures and posting a Gil Santos-like play by play on Facebook (on my own wall and on my Running to be Still FB page) and I'll be tweeting as much as @ochocinco usually does. Follow me on twitter by clicking here or by searching the hashtag #AKCPatsDay to get all the action from the day.

Since I adhere to the Brady/ Belichick school of pre-game preparation, there are some things I need to do to prepare for tomorrow. First and foremost, I need replace an outgrown jersey for James so he arrives in uniform. I'm thinking he is a Wes Welker kid. Do you agree?

I can't wait for tomorrow. It is going to be an amazing day, thanks to CVS Caremark All Kids Can.