He runs to make his mind still, to organize himself and to get rid of the noise from this loud, confusing world. The more he's moved, the more he's introduced patterns and rhythm into his routine. Laps around the house are a daily ritual. He's made it more complex as he's developed, but the basics are the same. There is a pattern of movement -- specific foot patterns based on whatever song or chant he chooses to accompany the run, and he can not be stopped until he is ready to be.

This is James, and this is our story.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Prelude to a Post

I haven't been here for a while, and I've missed it.

I love this blog. You have no idea how much it means to me that you even take the time to read these posts, but I'm selfish. I definitely write this more for me than for anyone else. It is incredibly empowering and cathartic to sort through my feelings and write it all here. What started out as a small month long autism awareness project has morphed into something I care about deeply and am very proud of. I don't think I'd be the same person I am today if I hadn't taken my friend's advice a few years back and started to write this journal.

But I've been feeling a little bit stuck lately.

I've always been completely honest about my family's life while sharing these few carefully chosen snapshots, and I try to only post things that I feel are respectful towards everyone in my family. James especially.

James has never liked receiving attention of any kind or being singled out, and I get that. Boy, do I get that. But apparently I am that mom that is always there with my phone ready to take a picture and tell the world what great task he has just accomplished, and because of that I've made him even more self-conscious and he has started asking me not to share specific things. Like basically anything great he does, which sucks because he does a lot of really great things. He does a lot of annoying things too (because he is 11) but most of the things he says and does I want to record and keep with me forever and ever. And share with the entire world.

So, I stopped writing here publicly while I tried to figure out how to keep sharing these stories that mean so much to me while knowing that he is uncomfortable having people talk about him in general.

I've finally decided that as long as I continue to write in a respectful way and not project my own feelings on to my boys, I still can share things about my life and my family from my own perspective in this journal. I trust myself to only share the stories that both my boys will be happy to read when they are older. I want them to have the opportunity to read my journal as adults - to see themselves as I see them and read the words I use to describe them.

After being gone for such a long time, I feel like I'm kind of starting over here. And I'm excited to start again because I have a lot of stories to fill these pages.
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